Comparison is the Thief of Joy

This quote is widely attributed to Theodore Roosevelt and is as true today as it was then.  As a society we are constantly compared and measured to others and encouraged to make those comparisons ourselves, but today I want to talk about another aspect of this, comparison to ourselves, whether this is our past self, a hypothetical self or even judging our past-self by our current self.

This was inspired by a recent conversation with a client (fake name used) in which we were discussing how Norman viewed himself as a failure now and was deeply ashamed of his circumstances now as he had done so well when he was younger.

This led me to reflect on all the examples I’d heard of self-comparison; “I was a size 10 when I was 21 now I’m fat, how did I let myself get that way?” “ Oh I would never do that now what was I thinking back then?” “I thought by now I’d be living in a big house and driving a nice car”

All these thoughts I’d heard expressed include some kind of judgement about themselves, that they were stupid, or should have done better or that they were a failure. These often led to feelings of shame and unworthiness.

So how can we work through self-comparison.

First is to recognise you’re doing it. So many of our thoughts are unconscious that it takes work to become aware of the narrative.  Things that can help with getting familiar with our thoughts are journalling, a thought record, or even speaking out loud to yourself in the mirror.

Second is to understand your narrative, what are the stories you tell yourself?  For example, are people only worthy of love if they act or look a certain way. Would you be a better person if you had a high-status job?  When we become aware of our narrative we can start changing it. This can be a useful one to explore with a therapist, or through journaling exercises using prompts such as where does this idea come from? Or what does this mean to me?

Third is asking is your narrative working for you.  Do the messages and beliefs you picked up for yourself work for you? Do they align with your values now? How are those beliefs affecting your life.

Fourth BE KIND TO YOURSELF.  This is probably the hardest step, as one thing I’ve learned from my time working with others, nobody will ever criticize you as much as you criticise yourself. While the tools or techniques used to move on from self-comparison may vary depending on what is driving it, all are based on developing a compassionate view of yourself. By understanding that we are human beings who make mistakes and were trying to do the best that we could at the time, we can start to see ourselves in a kinder, less judgemental light.

It is hard to write an exhaustive list of all the things that you can do to work through self-comparison as the approach will vary from person to person, however I hope the above guide is useful to start raising awareness for you.

Going back to Norman, he realised he couldn’t be the same person he was then because that person hadn’t experienced the same things he had, which let him release the shame he felt.  This more compassionate view of himself led him to see that he missed his old life and spent some time grieving it the loss of it before accepting that it was time to write a new chapter for himself.

If you would like to work with me to explore anything I’ve discussed above, I offer free 20 minute introductory calls so you can see if I’m the right therapist for you. 

Book I’m currently reading;

I first came across Susan David after hearing her on a Podcast with Brene Brown.  She talked about the need to understand, feel and accept our emotions and I wanted to find out more.

Here is a 5 minute video of Susan talking about her work https://youtu.be/e7CKCXNolPc 

Meditation Suggestion

This 6 minute meditation it an introduction into self-compassion.

https://youtu.be/Y-z4HqdTQFw?si=O2ZsegsYFVoF5oxy

Self-Care Tip for the Month

December can be a frantic month for everyone. We get caught up in the need to celebrate the right way, to buy the right presents and make the perfect Christmas dinner. We end up giving ourselves so much to do and Christmas becomes something to be endured rather than enjoyed for so many people. 

So my self-care tip is to take 5 minutes and reflect on what are your expectations for yourself. Are you setting yourself unachievable standards? Is the amount of work you’re giving yourself to do realistic? Are you sacrificing your own needs to meet everyone else? 

Then look at those things and ask yourself do I really need those things, what can I take of my plate either by delegating or just letting go of that thing.